If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
You Might Also Like
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules