“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Sounds like a bargain
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.