Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”