*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*skinny dips into black hole
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.