Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.