Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You Might Also Like
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.