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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“i am a sweet baby”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.