Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.