Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.