My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.