Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.