*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Writing, She Murdered.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet