My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
PLEASE READ
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
somebody come look at this