Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.