virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.