One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.