Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel