Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.