A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.