Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.