The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Human are so complicated
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.