Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.