Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.