I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A leaf blower, but for people.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The Assassin.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.