Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
All excellent questions
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
See..?
.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame