Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
#parenting