[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.