I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Still my favourite meme.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Are these grass-fed oranges?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”