There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Does it…does it take 3 days
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.