i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
You Might Also Like
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
step 6: release the wall snake
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*