SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.