At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason