Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Get off my horse you stupid moon
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Damn what did I do next
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.