My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur