Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
The smoothest fall of all time
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
What an awful time to have common sense.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.