You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back