[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
wow
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
even bears disappoint their mothers
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket