Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.