Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Feels like the fourth month in January
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Taking phone security to the next level.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I’m going to need a moment here.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle