Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Livid.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down