My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]