I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.