this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My patience has stretch marks.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage