People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.