6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?