At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’d love this…lol
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’