They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.