Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards