Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.