A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.